On The Verge Of...

Have you ever found yourself in the course of the day or maybe over a week or so in an emotional and physiological state where believe you are on the verge of some inappropriately extreme reaction? What I mean is, do you sometimes feel like you are just one teeny tiny step away from screaming, collapsing, exploding (metaphorically), punching someone (actually), quitting, or crying? I have. In fact, I have lately found myself in that state a little too often. Of course, being a man, I'm not specifically admitting that I have ever cried or think I'm on the verge of it. Come on, really.

Something happened several weeks back that awakened me to something about myself. Something that is not so good. I was at the early service at our church. I sat in my normal spot. Just as the service was about to begin, a married couple and their two friends rushed in and squeezed into the pew with me. By "squeeze" I mean I had to scoot to my right until I was just about three inches from the woman next to me, and that only left about three inches to the woman on my left who had just arrived. So, I'm no longer perfectly aligned with the center of the pulpit area, and have people to either side of me about 24 inches inside my personal space. I got tense. I got a little irritated. How am I supposed to worship my creator under these conditions?! So I sat there, elbows tightly tucked in, legs perfectly aligned in front of me, compressing myself into as small a space as possible, ready to worship my Lord and Savior. Yeah, I know.

As the service began I became aware that the woman to my left was giggling at almost everything, and outright guffawing at actual humor. I thought, "come on, its not all that funny." This continued for some time, and I realized that I was actually irritated by this person being so darned happy and giggly. It was not that she was being too loud, or distracting people in the service, I just found it irritating. Irritating, irritable. Hmmm, I started to detect a trend.

I am all too often on the verge of some kind of negative behavior. I have to restrain myself, then I commend myself for my restraint. It is good to have restraint. It is not so good to have to exercise it too often. This woman was obviously on the verge of uproarious laughter. She was filled to the point of overflowing with joy, happiness, contentment. Wow!, it hit me, she was not on the verge of despair or crying, she was at the opposite end of the spectrum. She was on the good end of the spectrum.

I suddenly felt ashamed, then a little jealous. Why was she so darned happy? She obviously lives here on earth like the rest of us, where bad things happen. Oh, maybe she is truly exercising the things I have been recently learning and trying to practice. Yes, that is it. She has become proficient in keeping her thoughts focused on all the good (and there really is plenty of good) rather than focusing on the bad. So, in the course of this service I went through the following phases: inconvenienced, irritated, perplexed, ashamed, jealous, humbled, enlightened, encouraged, then grateful. I was grateful that God had arranged another situation to help me. I've read "Learned Optimism" and "Every Day a Friday" and have been making progress in moving from pessimism to optimism, and I realize how critically important it is. But on that day, in that service, I saw the lightness and happiness and vitality that results from truly trusting the Lord and knowing that He has blessed us and truly works out even the bad things for good. She actually believes this stuff! Which, by the way, is the truth.

To put icing on the cake, and to provide me with another slice of humble pie (baked goods metaphors) at the end of the service this wonderfully cheerful woman turned to me and said something that both humbled and complimented me at the same time. She looked at my name tag, said my complete name, and said "have you ever considered being on the praise team." The praise team is the group of people standing on stage with the microphones, leading the singing. They have very, very good singing voices. She completed her statement with "...because standing here next to you, hearing you sing, was so good, such a blessing to me. I think others deserve to hear you too." So, there I stood trying to respond; the obessive-compulsive wound-too-tight idiot who was irritated by sitting too close to a wonderfully kind and considerate person with a cheerful and encouraging spirit. All I could say was "Thank you, I very much appreciate it, I may consider that." That was all I could come up with, because at that time I was on the verge of...well, you figure it out.

The photo at the top of the post is one taken by my daughter, Megan. She covered her school play last Friday, she is quite skilled at photography.

Field of Weeds

I drove up to our lake house to get away for a couple days, and to do the routine mowing, trimming, bug spraying, etc. I always look forward to my visits there. It is in a tiny town on a tiny private lake, very quiet, slow paced, and relaxing. When I arrived just an hour or so before sunset I looked across our yard and our adjoining property to see what could only be described as a “Field of Weeds.” I assume you have heard of the movie “Field of Dreams”, in which, Kevin Costner plays the role of a man with a vision to build a baseball field out in the middle of nowhere. This dream came to him when he is visited by Ray Liotta who plays the role of the late Babe Ruth (I think) who visits Kevin and tells him “if you build it, they will come.” By the way, Ray Liotta scares the heck out of me, especially when he laughs. There is something about the intensity in his eyes and the tension in his face, particularly when he laughs. Some people are scared of clowns, I’m scared of Ray Liotta. I’m straying from the point.

Getting back to our lake property, as I looked across the property I see that the entire one acre area is covered with what I call “speargrass”. The speargrass is waist high so walking anywhere on the property results in collecting multiple “spears” in my clothing. When I was young, my friends and I would remove the spears and throw them at each other, which was fun because they flew very straight and stuck in the target easily. We could never get them to stick into someone’s skin, it would just stick to clothing. Okay, I’m straying again.


As I unloaded the car and surveyed the “field” I concluded that I would be spending more time than expected doing the mowing. Speargrass is difficult to mow. It is wiry and tough, and tends to just get bent over. To make sure I’m actually cutting it rather than bending it over, I have to set the transmission to a lower speed so the blades have more time to cut. If I run at the normal speeds I just end up flattening all the weeds, which is great when I’m making crop circles but not when I’m mowing the property. It was no “Field of Dreams,” and I knew that if I mowed them, they would come…back.


Mowing, particularly when using the lawn tractor, is actually pretty relaxing “work.” While mowing I tend to think, mull things over, and philosophy. As I make two and three passes over certain sections to finally cut the weeds down I’m thinking, “weeds happen” deal with them, but don’t agonize and fret and complain. This is a problem I have suffered with for most of my life, not actual weeds, but the “weeds” that show up in my life. The weeds I’m referring to are conflicts in the workplace, harmful and hurtful actions done to me by others, difficulties in relationships, unfulfilled needs and desires, unrealistic expectations placed upon me by others and myself, tiring and seemingly endless work to pay the bills, and stuff just wearing out and breaking. I probably don’t have any more “weeds” in my life than most people, in fact, my “weeds” are nothing compared to what many people in the world have to deal with. My problem is with my focus. I focus and fret and agonize over the weeds when I should be focusing on the dreams (vision) that God has placed in my mind and heart.

I work hard at everything, and I put a lot of energy into pursuing the dreams I have of serving God through a full time media ministry, and actually creating the ministry rather than just working in one. My focus has been detrimental to this pursuit. My focus all my life has been on the weeds, the negatives, and that has resulted in an unhealthy level of pessimism and cynicism. A little of those “isms” is beneficial because it instills some necessary caution, but too much drains my energy, steals my joy, diminishes my vigor, damages my health, and so on. Based on some feedback I have had over the years I think that my focus on the weeds and the resulting pessimism has mutated the natural drive, energy and enthusiasm into an intensity and tension that makes me difficult to be around; and maybe a little scary. But not as scary as Ray Liotta! I’m in my early 50;s, but it was only about 8-10 months ago that I realized this. Unbelievable! I read the book “Learned Optimism” and it was eye-opening. I also read “Every Day a Friday” and “How to be a Winner” and they each helped me to understand my struggles. So, for the last several months I have been re-programming my thinking. I only give the weeds the time needed to attend to them, then I spend as much mental energy as possible on the positive side of life. When I am realistic about it, and when I recall the truth in Romans 8:28, even the weeds and the time I spend “weeding” results in something good. I have a ways to go with the re-programming, because old habits die hard (and die hard 2-die harder, and die-hard 3). I have again strayed from the point. My point is, I'm seeing benefits of the re-programming, though it is not 100% complete.


I love it when I hit a patch of wild onions with the lawn tractor and the whole area is filled with an aroma similar to an Italian kitchen. I’ve strayed again. To conclude this long-winded rambling blog, I want to simply share something that is probably so obvious and automatic to many people, but not to me. There is so much more good stuff in my life, and good stuff to be done, than the difficulties I have to deal with. Dealing with the difficulties is actually “good” because God uses those to improve me and others in my life. And, if I keep my focus away from weeds, I will have the joy, the energy, and the drive to do the good stuff that God has planned for me, see Ephesians 2:10.

Okay, I’ve mowed and trimmed and used the blower to clean all the walkways, and I’ve finished this blog. Now its time sit back, relax, enjoy the beautiful weather; or maybe I’ll go make some crop circles.

Tomato Plant

My inlaws have been providing us with fresh vegetables from their garden. We've had green beans, squash, and potatoes so far. I think tomotoes, my favorite, are coming next. They are both very good gardeners, something I appreciate very much though I do almost no gardening myself.

Most people believe that the results from gardening are in direct proportion to the skills and efforts of the gardener. Most people believe that the key ingredient to a garden yielding large volumes of tasty vegetables is a good gardener. This belief extends into all aspects of life, such as the level of success in a career, the yield of our financial investments, how our children turn out, etc. Most of us, including me to a great extent, believe that all outcome is the result of the hard work done by us. We believe that the level of our skill and the amount of our effort are the key ingredients to the quality of the results.

I don't want to be disparging to gardeners, but you couldn't even grow a single tomato plant if it were left entirely up to you.

Gardening is hard work. I understand that the ground has to be prepared, the seeds planted at a proper time at a proper depth, the ground watered the proper amount, the proper amount of light provided, and the weeds, insects and birds must be fought off constantly. Sure, as a gardener you have to do your part, but who is doing the heavy lifting? Who designed that seed? Who created the genetic code to turn that seed into a tomato plant? Who designed the system of roots, stems, leaves and flowers that are all just a support system for the tomato? And who caused that seed to transform into a much higher complex lifeform, rather than just rot in the ground?

We work, God makes it fruitful. Even the best gardener is only doing a small share of the work, God does all the heavy lifting and it is His work that overwhelmingly influences the outcome. Don't believe me? Cain was a farmer by trade, but when God quit doing His part, Cain could not grow anything. See Genesis 4:12.

This should take some pressure off of us performance-oriented people. I just need to do my part, I don't have to do it all, and I have only a small impact on the outcome.

The Whinery

The devotional I read today struck a chord with me. It reflected some thoughts that had been rattling around in my head over the past days/weeks. The topic of the devotional was about how God uses the pressures of life to improve us, improve our walk with Him, etc. The writer likened it to how grapes under pressure get the juice squeezed out, which can produce fine wine. It immediately hit me that too often I just produce a lot of whine! The writer actually mentions "whine" at the bottom of the article.

My whining is sometimes obvious to others, but usually I keep it to myself, so it outwardly manifests itself in other ways (irritability, impatience, indulgence, discouragement, etc).

This relates somewhat to "pain management" that I wrote about before. For example, over the past months I have had a pain in my hip joints. It comes and goes in intensity, but it is usually there when I get out of a chair, walk, sneeze, etc. For those who don't know me, I move fast. I walk fast, I jump from one thing to another, I get up, move, sit down-all very quickly, so I don't waste time in transit. My new-found pain slows me down a bit. I have a couple choices, other than medication. I can either complain about how unfair it is that someone with so much to do is hampered by pain, or I can be more sympathetic and patient when someone in front of me at the store is moving slowly. Maybe walking is painful for them. I can now relate to that. Now that scenario is less likely to increase my anxiety (I'm in a hurry and I can't get past this guy!) and more likely to prompt me to say a silent prayer for the struggling person, or perhaps give them a hand at getting something off the shelf and into their cart. Don't get me wrong, I'm still struggling with impatience, but the pain in my hip is helping with that!

I have been asking God over the past month or so to reveal to me the source of some of my persisting bad habits. I know that just trying to eliminate bad habits, without eliminating the source, is like cutting the leaves off weeds without pulling them out by the roots. So, I have asked again, and again, for God to show me the root of my bad habits. I think it is the whine.

I guess I need to ask forgiveness for all the whine I have produced, and ask for my eyes to be opened when given an opportunity to produce wine.

The photo was taken from my hotel room in a small town in the south part of Thailand. This is what these two guys did every day, the motorbikes are what they use to commute to their "office." Many, many people live this way. Many more live much worse. Shall I whine when a client provides me with a cobbled-up, noisy, uncomfortable office space, or shall I have sympathy for those who work and live every day in difficult, dirty, noisy, uncomfortable circumstances? Whine or wine. It is up to me as to which is produced.

The Cross

Our family watched "The Passion of the Christ" last night. I thought the kids were old enough to see it. It is brutal to watch, but a very, very important message comes through in that movie-the extent of sacrifice and complete hellish misery that Jesus Christ endured, all because of our sins.
As we came to the scene where the man is told to help carry Jesus's cross, I said out loud "what an honor to be side-by-side, carrying the cross with Jesus." Then I said to myself, "I wish I could have been there, and been the one to help carry the cross." Then just as that thought went through my mind I realized how short-sighted that thought was! Jesus has asked us (and me) to "pick up your cross and follow me." I CAN walk side-by-side with him, and bear the burdens that come with giving up pursuit of my pleasures to fully serve Him. I won't see him, and I won't have a physical wooden cross on my back, but I can have the honor of serving Him using the life, time and resources He has provided me.
After seeing the movie again, I came away with the thought that no matter what I sacrifice over my remaining years to serve Him here on earth, it won't equal even a few minutes of the sacrifice and suffering He did for me.
The photograph is of me and my good friend Pradit. Pradit lives in Thailand, and has graciously invested a substantial sum of money in my next movie. His is an encouragement to me.

Pain Management

I understand time management, money management and similar terms, but "pain management" has perplexed me. I know that many people with medical conditions have doctors talk to them about pain management, and I think that is okay. But, I don't think "management" is the correct term. Things like time and money are limited, and valuable resources. It is responsible to manage time and money, I get that. But "pain management?" I don't want to "manage" pain, I want to elimate or minimize it. Pain is not a resource, is it? Ah Hah! I was recently reading another book by Don Piper, and my perspective shifted. He was crushed and instantly killed when an 18-wheeler ran over his little Ford escort. He was dead for 90 minutes, then came back to life. He really didn't wan't to come back after experiencing Heaven, and he certainly questioned why God brought him back during his months of excruciatly painful, unbearable recovery. Then he figured it out. By experiencing extreme pain, he could now relate to others in extreme pain, who otherwise would probably not give salvation through Jesus Christ a second thought.
So, "pain management" now means to me to take the hardships that come my way, and ask God to use them, and me, to accomplish His purpose. I've had some pain, not so much as others, but I've had my share. It is not right for me to act like it doesn't exist, that is not helpful to anyone. What God wants me to do is "fess up" about the events in my life that hurt, and then use that to connect to others, to honestly "feel their pain" and let them know that they are not alone.
This blog entry may be confusing to you, but it makes sense to me.
The photo is of our dog, Sandy, at the lake today. She helps keep our family stay in focus.

It's Your Life

I have wrestled with my conscience/heart for many years over how I should be spending my time here on earth, what career it is that God would have me in. I have raised the question to others, including pastors, "Is it God's will that every Christian have a career as a pastor or serve in a full-time ministry, since all other careers are not fully devoted to serving Him?"
I always got the same general answer, which in summary states that we can serve God in many careers by being a good example, being a positive influence on and ministering to others, etc. These are good answers, but, it didn't quite get to the core of my sticking point. I read a devotional by Charles Haddon Spurgeon this morning, here are the pertinent parts:

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"For me to live is Christ." — Philippians 1:21

In the words of an ancient saint, he did eat, and drink, and sleep eternal life. Jesus was his very breath, the soul of his soul, the heart of his heart, the life of his life. Can you say, as a professing Christian, that you live up to this idea? Can you honestly say that for you to live is Christ? Your business—are you doing it for Christ? Is it not done for self- aggrandizement and for family advantage? Do you ask, "Is that a mean reason?" For the Christian it is. He professes to live for Christ; how can he live for another object without committing a spiritual adultery?

- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
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At first as I read this I thought (as I have before) "Should I quit my job as an engineer and jump full-time into Christian media productions?" Quickly, before I could agonize over that (again) this answer came to me; "The point is to examine your motives. Your hands and feet can be in many places, it is your heart that He cares about."

So, I can't answer for anyone what they should be doing as "hands and feet" of God, but that we each must carefully and prayerfully examine our motives for how we spend our time.

This devotional relates well to the next movie that I am considering producing. It is a documentary exploring the lives of people who spend their time serving others, making life better for others, and making the world a better place. I still don't have a title. The potential distributor suggested titling it "Hands and Feet," I have considered titling it "It's Your Life...how will you spend it?"

The photograph was taken during production of "Spirits Among Us" while we were shooting the church service scene.